Crack Fu Panda
by DanniAndMegan
Summary: Just a collection of oneshots, mainly crackfics, based on Kung Fu Panda. Guaranteed for a good laugh or if you're looking for something to use as an excuse to procrastinate. It was fun to write, it's fun to read, and you know you want to...right? Why not give it a try? : Rated T for paranoia.
1. Intervention

**A/N: Yay! First Kung Fu Panda fanfic! Here's oneshot number one! This was inspired by Becca's knowing everyone's names…not much, but Megan and I had no idea who half of our class was, and she was very quick to throw in all the names we needed. So we called her a stalker, and thus, this was born! We are so sorry for what you are about to read…we had soda.**

**Disclaimer: We are not hardcore enough to own Kung Fu Panda.**

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-Mantis POV—

The sky was brilliant—vivid and clear; the sun was shining down on the valley, making the whole world sparkle. The grass gently swayed in a mesmerizing dance with the swirling air, creating a picturesque background to the bright flowers dotting the landscape. Children's laughter mingled with the melodious tinkle if the storefront wind chimes. Birds' wings fluttered with a thrumming beat, complimenting their songlike chirps and the _pad-pad _of the village people going about their daily lives. The perfect day makes it all that much more fulfilling that I've trailed…no, followed…no, enjoyed the company of this person without their knowledge nor acceptance of my own company (yeah, that works), for the past six miles. It's actually quite astounding that they haven't seen me thus far. I mean, I've been just a meter behind him this whole time.

-Unknown POV—

I have this weird feeling…like I should turn around. There's no danger alert going off in my mind…maybe just a creepy alert. A creeper alert? Did I just hear a low chuckle? Nah…Couldn't be…

-Mantis POV—

Heh. Heh. He definitely has not noticed. Stupid fool! I would have totally noticed if someone were enjoying my company without my knowledge or acceptance of…wait, what? Oh well, you get my point.

-Tigress POV—

Huh, I wonder when Mantis is going to notice me. I've been following him for the past six miles; I've only been about a meter behind him this entire time, too. He's just so distracted by that guy he's stalking. "OHMIGOSH!" Mantis is a stalker! "Intervention~!"

-Mantis POV—

What was that? Oh, wow, it's late. I'd better get back to the Jade Palace. "Good-bye…whatever your name is. Have fun at dinner with your wife and kids~! Say hello to Pigtunia, April, May, and June for me~! Where do you get such random names from, anyway?"

-Unknown POV—

I definitely heard that. There's a ghost~! "Ahhhhhhhhh~!"

-Regular POV—

Mantis flitted through the Jade Palace doors to find Shifu, Tigress, Po, Monkey, and Crane congregated just beyond the doorway. His friends all turned their heads to stare at the miniscule master.

"Mantis, have you been…er…entertaining yourself in odd ways?" Shifu's left ear twitched with his pause.

"Not guilty!" Mantis hurriedly exclaimed. Tigress chimed in, "Mantis, if you have a problem…"

"It's not a problem; I can change anytime I want!"

"Hey~ya guys~! Hows you guys are doin'~? Woo~! Cray~zay night~!"

"Viper…are you okay? I noticed that you didn't return last night…and that you're slithering like a sidewiner."

"Ah-ha! Shifu, I was just out. I was ribbon dancing for this guy I met at the bar."

"Were you…um…wearing clothes?"

"Of course not; don't be silly~!" Everyone's eyes widened before the six non-drunks simultaneously turned to each other and said, "Intervention."

"And that's why you're wearing a dress, Viper."

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**A/N: We swear: this is totally clean! She's a snake! She doesn't wear clothes in the movies, so why in a fanfic? Everyone's just a little creeper-sensitive because Mantis ruins all the fun! (Just kidding! We love you, Rebecca! And Mantis is pretty cool.) She was ribbon dancing because she likes to dance, jeez. ;) She strikes us as a friendly person, so we feel that this is quite justified. Too much explanation? Sorry. ^^;;; But how was it? Not horrible? *hopeful face* Reviews are appreciated, and thank you for taking the time to read this!**


	2. Talented

**A/N: Hey guys! Megan and Danni are back for another random Kung Fu Panda oneshot! This collection may have been born in Chemistry, but this particular oneshot was born…actually, I think this was Chemistry, too. We did have quite a bit of free time in that class around the time we started brainstorming these…and quite a few were brainstormed around the same time…anyhoo…**

**Disclaimer: Sorry, nope. If we had our way, Kung Fu Panda 2 would have ended with a kiss between Tigress and Po. It's gonna happen…right?**

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"Okay, you all, your DNA tests have come in."

"Um, Shifu…what's DNA?"

"DNA is deoxyribonucleic acid, you dumb panda."

"Shut up, Shen! I asked Shifu!"

"…It's deoxyribonucleic acid."

"Thank you, Shifu."

"Sure, Po."

The eight kung fu masters stood in silence, looking down at their results. That is, silence until Shen let out an anguished scream.

"What is it, Shen?"

"According to this test, I am…a little girl!"

"No way!"

"Yes way! I'd always thought that I was a boy. I mean, we're in a children's movie, so you can't really tell, but I'd assumed-"

"You can't assume anything, Shen!"

"Yeah, well…I'm voiced by Gary Oldman, for fireworks' sake! Gary! Oldman! Man! See?" Mantis chuckled.

"Oh yeah, Mantis?" Tigress said. "Let's see what your DNA test says about you." Tigress looked at Mantis's sheet and furrowed her brow. She looked back down at her own paper. Back to Mantis's paper. Back to her paper. Back to Mantis's paper.

"What is it? Is something wrong?" Po inquired?

"Not wrong…just…weird."

"How so?" Great, now Shifu's curious.

"According to these results, Mantis is my older sister…who is a man…we share a mother…and I'm a tiger, and he…she…it is a praying mantis…" **(A/N: praying mantis females eat their mates…R.I.P. Mr. Tigress's daddy) **Every eye in the room darted to Mantis.

"Hey, don't look at me; our parents were just _really_ talented."

"Like ohmigod, guys! You guys are, like, twinsies~!"

"Uh…Shen…?" Shifu was concerned.

"Hey! I'm older…and a praying mantis."

"Like, ohmigod! Fraternal twinsies~!"

"But I'm old—"

"Shhh~." Shen placed one finger…talon…thing over Mantis's small mouth.

"But I'm—" Mantis mumbled until Shen once again cut him/her/it off with another

"Shhh~." Tigress smiled, despite herself. Then Po ruined the moment when he opened his mouth. No, not to eat a dumpling (or seven), but to say…

"heh heh…twinsies." Then Tigress punched something much softer than the ironwood trees.

Take that last comment how you will…

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**A/N: So, how was it? I can see the traffic stats, there are quite a lot of people coming here. We just want to know what you think about the oneshots . It doesn't have to necessarily be praise, but we do want to know what's horrible, what's funny, and what's going on in your minds. (Thank you, Guest, for our first and, so far, only review!) Also, when we wrote this, Megan thought it would be funny to make Shen start talking like a stereotypical teenage girl; Dannidoesn't really talk like that. Also, when we wrote the ending, we were thinking about his stomach (well, we did just mention him eating…), but we later realized that it could be taken…er…**_**differently**_**, so feel free to take that however you want. Once again, reviews are appreciated, and I'm going to shut up now, because I think this author's note is longer than the oneshot. Bye~!**


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